RandallGrayson
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Dec 13, 2005, 11:08 AM
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Difficult Conversations Made Easier
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By Randall Grayson Ph.D.
“I’m going to have to talk to John about this, and it’s not going to be pretty.”
“Geez, every time I talk to Mary about something, she gets so defensive!”
“I don’t know; after I’ve finished talking to someone about a problem or issue, it seems like the wind is taken out of both of our sails.”
I’ve said all of those things, but I would have rather said “I’m confident that I can bring up a difficult issue and have us both walk away happy, and with clear intensions for change.” After a doctorate in psychology and over a dozen years in management, I’ll share with you what has brought me from the early quotes to the last one.
The acronym I use is SEIEM (Cy ‘Em or Sigh-um), and when the process is utilized, it allows for effective, humane problem solving. You will not receive a defensive response, and you will open the door to create changed intentions and behavior. The characteristics and experiences of the people involved, as well as their embedded situations, have an impact on how well the conversation actually goes. For example, approaching the person with judgment or anger isn’t going to go well.
Now, straight to the point! When you acknowledge the situation, the defensive reaction is subverted.
“Oh, they really do understand how hard this is, and how mistakes can certainly be made, and no one is perfect.” People desperately want to be understood.
“He really does understand how I feel, and that my feelings are justified.” People are ALWAYS making the best choices they are currently capable of.
“She knows that I want to do a good job and that my intentions are honorable.” What is their goal? What are they trying to accomplish?
“I’m glad he knows that I am working on a solution.” {Pause}
Get their side of the story. When people are not being successful, and they see that, they want help. They want to succeed.
“I wish I was powerful enough to solve this problem well.”
Example:
“John, I know it is really hot today, and that you didn’t get enough sleep last night. That camper has been getting on people’s nerves for a couple days now, and I’m not surprised that he got to you too. We should have spent more time in training going over this kind of behavior challenge, and I haven’t been around enough to help you out. I also know that your co-counselor is new, and that makes it tough to deal with this kind of thing.”
“It’s really frustrating to have to deal with that kind of disrespect from a child. When they do it for a long time and occasionally strike close to home, it can really make you angry.”
“I know you are a good counselor and you want to do a good job. You care about the kids. You’re spending a lot of time on this child, and I know you want to be fair to all the kids in the cabin.”
“You want him to be a better person. You are trying to make him understand how wrong he is, and how he is hurting himself and others. I can see you are working on this.”
“Tell me what’s been going on from your perspective.”
Problem-solving QUESTIONS
1. What about your approach is and is not working?
2. What else could you or we do?
3. What are our options?
4. How might that effect or go over with the other people involved?
5. Which one would you like to try?
6. What makes that the best choice?
7. Do you want my help?
8. Is there anything else we should talk about?
Generally, skill and knowledge problems are more easily addressed, but a true attitude problem presents a more difficult challenge for the camp leader/teacher. In this case, it may be a reeaaaalll stretch to find the person’s intentions honorable, and their maturity sufficient. Attitude and/or intention problems require a different approach beyond the scope of this article, but you may certainly contact me for appropriate models, most of which center around prevention!
I am often asked if SEIEM is too soft or easy on the person . . . where are the consequences!? Consequences are either a couched word for punishment, or they force the person to make the situation right at “gun point.” The goal of SEIEM is for the person to take responsibility for their own behavior, since responsibility is a place of power that results in increased choices, not fewer ones. When imposed consequences become necessary, the culture is weakened and a game of cat and mouse often ensues. Discipline from an external base of power is ultimately not motivating or effective.
When harm has been done, people need to be offered the opportunity to make restitution – make things as right as possible – and feel supported. Consequences are imposed, and restitution is offered – that’s the key difference. When staff is approached by a compassionate teacher, consequences are almost never needed, and restitution flows naturally. In all cases, the use of fear comes from weakness. When discipline (means to teach) is done well and combined with meaningful support, there is security, trust, and internal motivation at the end of these difficult conversations. Make no mistake though, restitution is rarely fun or easy.
Drop me an e-mail - randall@visionrealization.com
Over five-hundred pages of free, camp-specific knowledge are on my website — visionrealization.com
Click on — Camp Augusta — where I am full-time director. Camp Augusta enjoys a 90%+ camper return rate, 85%+ staff return rate, and is sold out years in advance.
Dr. Randall Grayson has been involved in the camp experience for over two decades. He earned a doctoral degree at Claremont Graduate University, where he specialized in developmental, social, and organizational psychology.
(This post was edited by RandallGrayson on Dec 5, 2007, 2:48 PM)
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