JoanneKates
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Jun 24, 2008, 8:14 AM
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There's a “Bad” Kid in the Cabin... Classroom... Neighbourhood...
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By Joanne Kates
When I was a young(ish) mother, I once complained to a psychologist about my son having an undesirable friend. The psychologist came as close as shrinks ever come to giving me hell: She said I was to desist immediately from trying to control my son’s friendships, because it would backfire in all kinds of ways. In this case, because he liked this totally unsuitable friend, I would, she said “drive him into his arms” if I spoke negatively about the friend. She also said that even with kids he didn’t like or who weren’t nice to him, if I tried to keep them away from him (or vice versa) it would be bad – because I would then be telegraphing to my son that I didn’t have faith in his ability to cope with adversity.
Am I the only mom who’s a control freak? I think not. We obviously only want the best for our kids, and we worry when there are yucky kids in their world . . . But instead of micro-managing for perfection in their world, if we teach them to manage adversity, we’ve given them what we call at camp a “lifelong learnable.”
Kids who might be labeled “bad” or “undesirable” are on a continuum: On one end of the continuum is the irritating kid. This is the kid with poor social skills, maybe a learning disability and/or ADD/ADHD, maybe this kid is physically very awkward, or for whatever reason, is not socially attractive. We all know who these kids are (although we might at times pretend otherwise). Some of them are our kids, some of the time.
At the other end of the continuum is the kid who behaves badly towards other kids. A mild case of this is a kid with poor anger management skills, who loses his/her temper once in a while and then feels sorry afterwards. A more severe case is the bully.
Although these two kinds of kids look very different, they’re on the same continuum because as parents we tend to want them weeded out of any group our child belongs to. And that’s the problem! What do we communicate (between the lines) to our children if we complain to the camp director, the school principal, the hockey coach, the other parents, about the very imperfect child in the group? The message is that perfection is 1) attainable and 2) desirable. The message is that life is controllable, and ought to be controlled. The message is that our child isn’t (and doesn’t have to learn to be) tolerant of differences and resourceful. The message is that our child doesn’t have to learn how to get along with irritating or difficult people, or to speak up and advocate for him/herself.
Bullying is NEVER okay, and we never tolerate it at camp – but before we assume that someone is a bully we do need to give them a fair chance – and during that time there may be opportunity for our kids to practice speaking up, getting help from a grownup, and advocating for themselves – what fantastic life skills to learn when you’re young!
Think about the irritating kids: The attitude that we have (and exhibit, whether we want to or not) towards difficult or less functional kids, is so important. As we are fond of saying (ad nauseum) to camp staff: They know what we show. Which means that when we try to get our kids into cabins or classrooms or sports teams without that challenging child, we’re messaging loud and clear. And then how will our kids ever learn to live with differences? How will they do at university, at work, in their own families, when all is not smooth sailing interpersonally?
Camp is a laboratory for life. It’s partly about celebrating and being okay with differences . . . Your child will never have the "perfect" cabin, but instead the growth that comes from learning patience and tolerance . . . from accepting people who are different . . . from learning to speak up and ask for help when someone isn’t respectful . . . from gaining the resilience and resourcefulness that grow from having these experiences in a supportive environment with adults who listen to you: That’s better than perfection, because it’s real life.
Joanne Kates is a highly successful freelance writer in Canada and the US and is the Director of Camp Arowhon in Algonquin Park, Ontario
She is the author of Exploring Algonquin Park: The Personal and Complete Guide
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(This post was edited by JoanneKates on Jun 25, 2008, 10:13 AM)
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